This is not a story, and life is a lie.
A person once told me “Life just isn’t like that”, and while I can understand the direction they are coming from I don’t agree with that statement. This book is about thinking how you live your life and what makes it good for you.
A bit about me.
In a way this isn’t just a story but a look at who I am both then and now. I’m not yet sure what a psychiatrist would say about writing this, but I might need to do it for myself. A few years ago I wrote a bit about my life but lost the text, so it’s time to try again.
All my words are my own views and beliefs and whoever is reading this can take it how they wish, I just want everyone to understand that quite frankly I don’t care what you think and I’m not looking for any reply. If you say that the world (and those in it) don’t influence you then this book probably isn’t for you and these words are my own interpretation of how and why I think this way.
This is me, I was born in the 70’s but it does not seem to mean much to me apart from that it is a date in time. My mind remembers a few facts about when I was a young boy, however these are few and hazy recollections. I had a cat called “creamy” and “smoky” who were both soft and I loved them a lot. I had a T-shirt with He-man on it and brown cord jeans. (see photo) I lived with my brothers and sisters who were all older than me and more opinionated than my little understanding for a kid at that age.
The 70’s were full of bad decor when there was a transition from the bright mismatched colours of the 60’s onto more practical (and boring) fashion. Our homes wall in the living room had puke green flowers on a plastic vinyl wallpaper and almost all of our furniture was second hand and a nasty brown/beige shade. We didn’t have mobile phones, the internet and to have a landline or a home computer was rare.
I can’t remember a time living with my real dad but he did ask me to live with him once when he split from my mother and lived with a new family. I visited a few times but didn’t enjoy the feeling I got when he tried to get me to adjust to their ways. I can’t say if it was my dad giving me a choice or my mother trying to get me to leave. I always had an uneasy feeling staying at my fathers that upset my gut and I suppose I learned from an early age not to trust people when I got that feeling. Often a prelude or an unspoken gut reaction took form in my mind like a silent scream changing my direction to a new form I could handle with more ease. As I was to grow older this feeling would shift into more of a sixth sence that governed my desisions based on fear of the intent of others.
Lie & Truth No X) Although not having a dad around when growing up is part of me, you don’t need both parents to be a well balanced adult. Both parents can give you the same love, information and comfort without being locked into one gender. Indeed, gender is something that is purely a medical explanation to me and has nothing more than its biological meaning at its root form. I sure feel a bit left out that I could not have that close relationship the same as other families, however the view from the outside is often different from the one inside.
My father had a fish tank and loved to say that they only had a three second memory. I used to like watching them endlessly swim about while he sat on the black leather sofa smoking his roll-up tobacco watching sport on TV.
Lie & Truth No X) Religion isn’t there to rule your life. I often say that I have no problem with faith but despise religion because it is subversive to the point that you no longer have a say in how you live your life. The main reason for this is that religious written word is often used by others to indoctrinate and weaken the inbuilt human desire to have it’s own free will. If I still had the old black and white portable TV I had when I was young the instruction booklet would not be much good for my new HD TV as analog signals are no longer widely used. Also any instruction booklet does not rule my life and is often badly translated with features that aren’t included on my TV.
They did poo a lot ( The fish that is) and I don’t think that I wanted to see that in out own house however relaxing they were to watch.
My mother was very religious and I was taken to church two or three times on a Sunday to learn about the bible at a baptist faith church. I used to like staying in the upstairs balcony part during main serivces as no one could see me and I felt safer away from the older part of the congregation. Sometimes I would push off small toys and pencils over the top of the handrail onto those below to pass the time. As I used to be good at singing I liked the way the whole church sung together and it gave a sense of being a family without being together. The way the congregation seemed to interact although forign to me, was kind of soothing in a familiar kind of way that I do recognise as a good thing to those who need it.
Many of the elders there were nice and for a time I seemed to fit in enjoying the stories and songs that were made real in my mind. I didn’t mind the long lectern bashing sermans even if they did go on for what seemed like forever. The 1960’s organ hummed into life and blasted out notes that both energised and soothed the congregation in a hypnotic fashion.
I remember a few bits of my early childhood such as going on holiday to the norfolk coast on an old double decker bus to enjoy the sun and sand in the summer. We would put out the deckchairs and build sandcastles waiting for them to be reclaimed by the sea. Big moats and holes were dug, everyone had icecream, chips and the older people went to sleep for most of the day alowing us to play as long as we wanted. With little bad feelings or behaviour most days were carefree unlike those of today where respect is something that is more rare and seen as a weakness.
Lie & Truth No X. Weakness is not something that is a bad thing. It shows us and others that we are the same as them and highlights our own dificulties and struggles. If we never communicate what we need then others can not help. Weakness is not the same as education or talent and should never be used as a tool to hurt others.
Some happy times was going on holiday to Aldborough in a family friends caravan. It had outside toilets and showers and it could be cold sometimes, but the summer breeze and amazing wildlife used to make up for any discomfort.
The crickets in the long grasses as the dusk fell alongside the promenade made a wonderful sound that was almost like symphonic music. The waves washing on the shore were like a good friend and throwing stones into the sea was a way of letting go of my mind allowing calm and restful peace. The sound of thick glasses full of beer in the taverns, the dancing lights of the lanterns as the carnival parade makes its way down the small streets, discarded fish and chip containers on the sea wall.
Some of my best memories were at Aldborough as a kid. Most things I could do by myself so I had lots to do and see without any interference from adults. The local bookshop was somewhere where I could spend half my day reading. One of the things to buy was choose your own adventure books. Sometimes illustrated, the idea was to stay alive and reach one of the good endings. The great thing was you could cheat or start over again until you got a good result. My sense of intrigue and adventure must have stemmed from these experiences and I am not sure that there is an actual ending in life as a whole.
The sea was my friend who always came back to me never leaving and listened to my thoughts like a river in my mind emptying into the ocean. Nature was rooted into my childhood and wasn’t far from my home. I was fortunate to have the countryside all around me allowing me to experience things most don’t get the chance to now.
School life was good in primary and middle school ages but I was always wanting to be different, to burst out and explore my feelings. My mind was a muddle of the fantasy and longing that I had seen in the media of the time. Films, books, western (and a few eastern) cartoons taught me more of the world than my parents or religion could ever do and my mind wanted to experience it all. My sense of fantasy was very much intertwined with my day to day life and found it strange that adults didn’t share the same intrigue.
Many of my friends liked the same intersts as myself so it was great when break came arround and we could all decide what charicter from the latest cartoon we would be.
This may be a difficult subject to many but it was the truth to me. I was always attracted to the male gender. Back then when I was young it was unexplained but real as I attach myself to the male protagonists on cartoons such as “Gatchaman”. (Battle of the planets) . In the 70’s and 80’s kids programs always had a strong male presence or leadership focus that was more about being in a group to overcome an obstacle. Not to say that I have a real bias towards strong male characters only that they were the ones that interested me rather than the female ones.
Today I can see more of a twin balance that is presenting itself in society. One is that (and the one I believe is more productive) is exact and total equality where gender isn’t a factor and secondly a reasoning that females are to be treated in an exalted way because they have been historically treated badly or second best.
Lie & Truth No X) I will point out that being gay is not because I didn’t have a dad in my life growing up as I know it is a resonation coming from inside my soul and not from a lack of any parental guidance or nurture. I was not mistreated or made to do things that made me gay and I don’t feel the need to be “fixed” as the only broken thing is how others see me.
It was however most certainly an attraction of love for the bodily form and masculinity that I wanted. Being young in that age ( and with a lack of teaching on such subjects) I had no understanding of sex or sexuality so the thoughts were of something missing that everyone must experience as we grow up. One of the things that I remember for that time was the books on renaissance artists and writers who clearly were interested in the same expressions as myself but just lacked that indepth text that should have been made available to explain why this was.
Lie & Truth No X) The separation between sex and sexuality is often misunderstood between adults because for adults it involves two different subjects that are mixed together to form an relationship. When you are young the world shapes your understanding in a way that is still not fully understood but comprises of influences from all around forming new memory and logic pathways in the brain. Adults often mistake these two factors and use it as a way to discredit the LGBTX community.
At school I found that the path I wanted was not available to me. Playing things like kisschase was limited due to the objections from both male and females to the idea that a boy could kiss a boy. Completely innocent feelings were not possible as at the time there was something wrong with you if you had these feelings. Some of my friends were handsome but the world was less forgiving and I learned to be obedient to the rules that the adults made about such things. I hid my desire and wishes which never resurfaced until later in life. I vaguely remember being told off by a teacher on duty for kissing a boy I liked as not only wasnt it ok to do so but looed down upon as something to be ashamed of.
Without a reference my ideas became confused not because I didn’t know what I wanted but because I had nothing to compare them with. Sure their were camp TV stars but that had no effect on my reasoning on who I was or why I felt that way. I had no outlet and apart from finding a few library books their was no internet, no magazines, no leaflets, no phone line help services, no adults that could help, no advise and no love for being gay. I still can’t totally identify with stars in the media as I could not see myself acting the way they do in their shoes. Nothing wrong with who they outwardly portray themselves however I am definitely not camp or queeny.
And now comes that hard part. Dreams don’t come true for most people in this world. Its a hard reality but one that cant be ignored. Hard work and talent don’t always come to anything and when your gay the odds are often stacked against you in study, work, careers and relationships.
Lie & Truth No X) It’s great when I see someone do something good in their lives despite being gay (LGBTX) however for many this is not achievable as we are treated differently often at a massive disadvantage.
When I was young, I remember telling my mum that I felt like two people. One one hand a pure person and one that had needs to fulfill. To explain one side of my body felt good and one bad because I could not articulate the gay side of me. It wasn’t bad vs good but a battle in my mind on how I should live but I was too young to understand how to make it come true. It wasn’t psycological but a deep “feeling” that I was unable to express in my life.
I don’t remember my mother showing much affection such as what I have seen with other families since growing up. Sure I got a few hugs but came to understand that my mother really wanted a girl not a boy and made me grow my hair to look like a girl when I was young to disguise the fact that I was male until it was too obvious. While my mum said she didn’t have a good upbringing with many hardships it didn’t excuse that cold treatment I received. While I was not as intellectual as my sisters I felt my academic opportunities dissolve with little help in research and homework often left to myself with little help.
Even to this day people tend to look down on me as if Im deficient in IQ to the extent they make it clear to me verbally without actually saying it directly. The fact about how I communicate has been so twisted and broken that it’s no wonder I find it hard to verbalise information and instructions that others can understand.
Lie & Truth No X) LGBTX people are deficient (more that heterosexual) in some way that makes them less than intelligent or unable to have the same life as others. Sometimes this is often taken the same way as those who are “differently abled” or “disabled or spastic” in the time I grew up.
I find conformity is hard to swallow and am opinionated more than most due to how I am treated as untrustworthy and rebellious. I tend to stick to my belief even if it causes friction in others. I argue, I voice my thoughts to the point of being extremely blunt, even if the general consensus is contrary to my own. Stubborn does not even begin to cover how I feel on a daily basis and am very uncomfortable with populist ideology that forces an unproven hypothesis on others through brute force rather than facts.
Lie & Truth No X) “You’re not alone” and the world has always had LGBTX humans and animals in it, we may not have always been recorded or discussed but that does not negate that it’s not a new thing. Society constantly changes and the pull of group mentality to fit in often brings negative results that are accepted rather than challenged. The cultural way we grow up today is so different from tht of history, yet many people tend to erase, disrupt and deny that LGBTX even existed. If you look into history enough you will see how different attitudes were (for good or bad) part of everyday life and conflict over sexuality wasnt a big thing.
Hiding my feelings as I got older want easy to keep from my family and as I became sexualy active as every young person does.
I began to experiment in magazines making trips to not so local sex shops to buy material that showed gay and masculine men. this didn’t go unnoticed by my closer friends who didn’t understand my rejection of the female form.
At this point in high school I think everyone knew I was gay but I could not bring myself to admit this fact. I was too scared of the repercussions. The school pupils would have proof that i was gay and the bullying would only increace.
Thatchers program of a ban on promotion of gay lifestyle in schools were inplimented and teachers could only ask if anything was bothering me. Even though they knew what was going on they could not say anything incase they would lose their job so anything they said or did was ineffective through no fault of their own.
They tried but failed to break through the wall I put up to protect my well-being. After a time of bad bullying I started to hit back and got into fights, rows and altercations that made things worse getting me into trouble. Physical beatings, intimidation, threats to my life and other things were some of the things I had to go through. Some of the teachers were part of the problem and they activly encouraged bullying knowing how it was effecting me and my own development as a person.
One thing was imprinted in my mind when I was cornered in the shower and asked if I wanted with some of the boy there. I was so frightened it made me shake with fear and if the teacher had not walked in I don’t know what might have happened.
To this day when I expain what happened I am often asked if I want to report it but there is no point in bringing up something that is intangable and happend in a different age of understanding.
My friends started to rebel against me and friendships were tested to breaking point as the level of homophobia was high. I could not cope with daily life and with an overactive imagination and social deficiancy this only made things worse.
Today I don’t have many friends that are close as I tend to push them away as I don’t want to make them feel bad or depressed. Many have a good outlook on life and I don’t want to contaminate their thoughts by pressing my issues onto them.
Having being passed up for progression in every job I have been in isn’t a coincidence and shows how deeply rooted homophobia i still in our society. I have never been bitter as they dont know any better and education is lacking. Bullying is rife in business and I have been subject to physical assaults, slanderous comments. Don’t get me wrong I’m not wallowing in self pitty but these experiences have scared my life to the point I have need professional help.
Lie & Truth noX. You are expected to conform to sociaty to be able to fit in. I have briefly covered this already but there are many aspects of self worth and self perception that are important to understand.
Today I popped out into town to pick up something from a shop. Walking down the road a few people driving thir cars passed me looking back at me. I walked a bit further and passed an educational building where some students wind down the windows to laugh at me as if to make a point of thir own words. I walked a bit further towards town trying to ignore strange looks, laughter and nasty comments. Now if I look at this in it’s elements I can definatly see a commonality that shows just how devisive and polorised the world has become. I hasten to add that I wasn’t wearing a gurilla suit or leather thong but a headband and a cuff to hold up my hair.